Get ready! This post is sure to stir up a lot of fireworks.

Please refer back to my February 12, 2008 post (now categorized under The Corporate Cynic’s Manifesto). One of its themes was the manipulation of employees’ personal values and motivations by corporations in order to garner some “outcome” that is good for the company but not necessarily good for the worker. I want to continue on that theme but also focus on the disingenuous practice of simultaneously attempting and claiming to have obtained employees’ “buy-in” to new programs or directives by simply sharing some information with them. “Buy in” is another hijacked and bastardized term used by corporations to rationalize the, “Now that you comprehend the ‘big picture’, you understand why we must eliminate your job” or “Don’t you agree with us that cutting your wages and benefits is the right thing to?” subtexts cleverly hidden in their communiqués. The really sinister side of this gimmickry is that the corporate propagandists actually believe that it works. Over the years, I’ve worked with some of these characters and have seen how their twisted minds rationalize these gimmicks. If not to somehow convince the workforce of the brilliance of executive decisions, it’s to assuage their own guilt (if they have any left) about destroying peoples’ lives and futures (except their own). I’ve covered this and other insidious “feel good” trickery used by corporate elites in a myriad of other posts and various chapters from “The Double Secret Handbook for bad Executives.” Please read them.

This brings me to a rant about one of the latest manipulations of those values that I’ve been gleaning from the “Idiot-cracy” in the executive suites as well as their business media marionettes for use in squeezing the life out of the American workforce – the patriotic angle.

What could I possibly mean by this? Over the last year or two, I’ve been seeing more and more blurbs in the business sections of newspapers and in the online headlines and banners in the business articles section of my Internet provider’s homepage about American workers. The themes of the headlines and stories go something like this:

Americans work fewer hours than their global counterparts,
American workers earn more than their global brethren,
Americans can’t compete in global manufacturing,
American workers fall behind in productivity.

These headlines are always followed by a short story and some statistics. My personal reaction to each of these banners is simply, “Americans have worked hard to raise our standard of living. We do our part. Where are all of the innovations from the corporate brain trusts to keep us competitive and ahead of the curve? Simply lowering wages and cutting costs is an easy, cowardly, lazy and intellectually dishonest cop out. Just what are these clowns being paid the big bucks and huge bonuses for?” I am not so sure that’s the reaction the writers’ of these articles intended. I believe that the subtle implication here is rather, “American workers have it too good and can do more for less. We should feel guilty about our good fortune and work harder. We the workers need to make sacrifices to keep jobs in America. We should understand why we must lower our standard of living. It’s our duty to give up more and more for the good of the country.”

This new call to patriotism also bellows from the executive suites. I’ve heard a recent speech or two and they sound similar to this:
“The Chinese can’t claim to be more productive! They can throw lots of people at task after task. Hell, people are one of their natural resources. But we’re Americans and we can do it with even less. We’ll just have fewer people work longer and harder. See how much more productive we Americans are! We’ll teach them all about productivity. It’s our duty. Makes you feel good to give it your all for Uncle Sam, doesn’t it? Won’t you help show them up?”

George M. Cohan would be proud! Who can argue with it? It’s like trying to argue about the benefits of working safely. I personally find it repugnant that anyone would try appealing to patriotism in this manner. When I see this call to patriotism juxtaposed against the outsourcing of American jobs to foreign countries, the importing of foreign technical workers who’ll accept lower wages, the cutbacks in salaries and benefits and the tales about jobs that Americans just don’t want to do, I become irate – particularly when it’s wrapped in the Stars and Stripes. This has nothing to do with patriotism. It has plenty to do with some executives trying to line their own pockets with bonuses for cutting costs – and coercing American workers to play along.

Am I a flaming conspiracy theorist or just another Internet windbag? I‘ve been accused of both. Listen up! I am not going to debate geo-politics or global economics with anyone. I am not qualified and admit it. I just don’t like to be manipulated and I do not believe that others like it either. This has indeed been quite a rant.

God Bless America!

I ran into Bill the “temp” last week. He was out in the parking lot smoking a cigarette and looked as though he needed a friend. I’ve run into Bill before. He’s an older gentlemen who was recently “right sized” from a company where he had worked as a middle manager for over twenty years. Both Bill and another “temp” were recently brought on to fill in for Liz who is off on maternity leave.

We’ll return to my meeting with Bill in a moment.

Liz is an executive assistant to a powerful, (and of course) pompous and arrogant senior vice president of something or other. She was a “coat-tailer” who had followed her boss to the company from another firm. Both Liz and her boss have been around for about three years. I never paid much attention to her but I definitely get the impression that she is not very well liked by the rank and file around the office. I guess she has developed a sense of entitlement and “status” due to her connection with a powerful superior. I’ve heard that Liz is both distrusted and feared by many due to the fact that she will blame anyone and everyone for any mistakes or errors in the reports that she prepares for her superior from data provided by her boss’s subordinates at the division level. Regardless of the real causes of the errors, Liz’s boss always takes her word over anyone else’s. She is, in a word, untouchable.

I suppose that when you’re as powerful and important as Liz’s superior, you rely on your aide de camp for everything and, therefore, support and protect them at all costs. It seems that Liz can get away with just about anything. I guess that she is even perceived to be so important that it requires two “temps” to fill in for her while she is away. But that’s only part of the story.

You see Liz’s boss has a reputation for being a real jerk as well. Overly demanding and idiosyncratic about the goofiest things, this senior vice president is the stuff that I love to write about. I have done some research on this character and found that he has probably never really worked a day in his adult life. He has a five star education and it appears that he had actually started his career at the executive level. How does one do that? Anyway, I hear that he is always lambasting his subordinates over the bad news, errors and mistakes that result from the reports provided by Liz. Based upon some comments that I’ve heard from others, Liz’s boss does not think much of anyone in the organization.

Well, Liz goes off to have a baby and the temps take over her duties. Things progress for a month and then all hell seems to break loose. I heard that the temps have been working awful hours and putting up with a lot of guff from Liz’s boss. The rumor mill has it that they’re pretty much fed up.

Back to my meeting with Bill.

So I walked up to Bill in the parking lot and asked him how he was doing. He shook his head and began telling me about the confrontation that he and the other temp just had with Liz’s boss. It seems that since the time that Liz left, both Bill and the other temp have struggled to get the reports completed for their new superior. Not only were they poorly trained by Liz but Bill says that the report formats themselves were fraught with formula errors. It seems that a lot of the data reported by the divisions became distorted and irreconcilable due to all of the mistakes in Liz’s calculations. The boss would hear nothing of it. He demanded the reports be prepared on time and could care less about the cause of the errors. He was an executive and not interested in the details. The truth of the matter, according to Bill, is that this senior vice president was clueless about how the reports functioned or how the formulas worked. He only wanted to see the results on time. Both temps were chastised each time they’d mention uncovering Liz’s mistakes or ask for his help or advice. Tempers were beginning to flare

The final straw hit the camel’s back earlier that day when Liz’s boss asked the temps about the monthly forecast report that was due later that morning. They replied that they didn’t even know what he was talking about. At that point, Liz’s boss flew into a snit. Bill said that he did all of the talking in defense of the two and told the executive that Liz had not gone over the extremely complicated forecasting process with them. At that point, the irate executive called Liz at home and asked her if she had reviewed the forecast with the temps. At first, Liz insisted that she had. But as Bill interjected himself into the conversation on the speaker phone, Liz relented and admitted that she had forgotten. Her boss then asked if she could review it with Bill but Liz whined about being too tired. The conversation ended. The now red faced executive instructed both of the temps to “just figure it out”. The deadline was looming and he didn’t care if they had to stay there all night to get it done. At that point, the other temp stated she had appointments for that evening. The executive replied that he didn’t care about her problems. Having endured enough, she quit the assignment and exited the building.

Left to his own devices, Bill said that he had attempted to reverse engineer the forecast to determine how to proceed with it. He wasn’t getting anywhere and his attempts to gain information and insight from the executive were fruitless. “I’m a level B executive!” Bill was told, “I want results not excuses! I’m not concerned with details. I want answers.” “Don’t you think that you have a responsibility to know what your assistant is doing?” asked Bill, “Didn’t you ensure that she had adequately trained us before she left?” Bill said that the executive was silent although he could tell that the man was seething. “I’ve been managing direct reports for years.” said Bill, “As a manager; I’ve always felt that I had a responsibility to make sure that people got trained properly and that operations ran smoothly. I always followed up.” Bill said that he received no further response. Frustrated and disgusted, Bill went out for a smoke.

So I asked Bill what he was going to do. “You know I need to work.” he confided, “But I don’t need this.” I have not seen Bill since.

An office-wide call went out for “volunteers” to help the executive during Liz’s leave. There have been no takers. I wonder who is preparing the forecast.
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Chapter 1 Welcome to the Society for bad Executives

Well you’ve finally made it! Whether you’ve slimed, backstabbed, double-crossed, kissed-up (or just got the call from your old pal Chad or Biff), you have arrived. You are now an executive. Feels good, doesn’t it? You are now smarter, sharper and indeed a better human being than those that you’ve left in the dust. You must be! You got the job and they didn’t.

So what’s the first thing on your agenda besides ordering $50,000 of new office furniture or taking two or three lavish but useless business trips? Why, keeping, consolidating and increasing your power! To accomplish that you may need some support and we’re here to help. We’re the Society for bad Executives. We’re an elite and clandestine organization known only to those chosen few. There are no dues, meetings, secret handshakes or subscriptions. The only requirement is secrecy and strict adherence to the standards we’ve developed through many years for wreaking havoc on organizations and the workers who are employed there. Our organization is so top secret that our members do not ever get to see the roster or formally meet each other. It only makes sense. You may have to turn on another member someday. That’s too bad for them. It’s a dog eat dog world. You’re in it for yourself and only the best of the worst survive.
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The main benefit of your membership is your personalized copy of The “Double Secret” Handbook for bad Executives. This tome contains chapter upon chapter of tips and tricks to maximize your hold on authority, manipulate your subordinates, suck up to your superiors and never (we repeat never) be held accountable for anything that goes wrong. It’s a must read for every executive. These are tried and true strategies and tactics that we’ve compiled from members over the years.

You’re probably wondering why we’re being so generous here. The answer is quite simple. We must perpetuate the executive’s image of power and omniscience. Power is what it’s all about after all. The power to dominate, manipulate, threaten, subvert and evade must be maintained and cultivated. The ability to speak with authority on all subjects, make snap decisions, shoot from the hip and never be wrong must be honed to a fine edge. You have a lot to live up to. The rest of us are counting on you.

How do we know that you can be trusted to adhere to our policies and never disclose your membership or share any contents of the handbook with outsiders? We don’t! If you had one shred of ethics, we would never have approached you in the first place. In the Society for bad Executives, our rule is quite simple: Transgress, and the full might of the society will be turned against you. Consider for a moment being demoted to the loading dock or a cubicle with absolutely no golden parachute or perhaps being publicly humiliated in front of your superiors or upstaged by (perish the thought) a subordinate. It can all be arranged. We knew you’d see it our way!

So let’s get started! Whether you’re the arrogant pompous strutting ass, the frenetic slick backed hair mile-a-minute talker or the quiet conniving little weasel, there’s a place for you in the Society for bad Executives. Go forth and make some pronouncements. Savor the taste of authority. Make them jump. It’s fun to be important.

Make us proud. We’ll be watching!

It’s tough enough coping with endless lines through security and the weather and other flight delays but the business travelers themselves have created their own form of “in-flight” irritation. There’s the never ending chorus of ring tones on the aircraft AFTER the flight attendant has instructed everyone to turn off all electronic devices, the muffled cell phone chatter by those who absolutely MUST stay on their calls even when we’re taxiing to the runway and the flight attendants’ repeated reminders to those who absolutely REFUSE to shut down and stow their laptops in preparation for landing. Sound familiar? Did I mention the legal sized brief cases and wheeled carts containing three or four carryon bags that today’s elite traveler MUST bring on the plane? None of it can ever be stowed beneath the seat in front of them. They must always usurp the ENTIRE overhead bin so that granny can’t even safely stow her chapeau to prevent it from being crushed. God forbid that they check any luggage. How important they must be!

I’ve always treated the pre-boarding time at the airport as a respite from the pressures of the business world. Traveling creates enough stress of it own and I’ve found that a good newspaper, magazine or crossword puzzle provides some modicum of relief while enduring the wait. We were delayed again last night and thankfully they wouldn’t board the aircraft right away. I wandered off to quiet spot as I had an hour to kill. I found a vacant group of four chairs that were attached (you know what I’m talking about). They were all vacant. I plopped down and noticed that I was right across from a bar. It was maybe fifteen feet away.

It wasn’t huge place. There was room for maybe six barstools. I could see the TV hanging on the wall from where I sat. There was a baseball game on and three fellows were sitting at the bar drinking beers from cans (no glasses) and intently viewing the game. The bartender was watching as well. It all looked quite sublime until I noticed a character at the end of the bar. He was standing with a cell phone to his ear. An open laptop sat on the bar in front in front of him. He seemed quite obnoxious. Something was definitely going on.

When he wasn’t pacing and yelling into the phone, he was banging away at the laptop and inserting and removing some kind of card into it. He was extremely frenetic and kept screaming into the phone and strutting around behind the other three patrons who were trying to enjoy their beers and watch the sporting event. There was a glass of beer near the laptop. I assumed it was his. There was maybe a sip or two gone from it. It was obvious that he wasn’t there to watch the game or enjoy his brew.

I watched this continue for about forty-five minutes. The other chaps seemed to be getting a might irritated and shot him a glance or two. The announcement finally came over the loud speaker that my flight was to begin boarding. Mr. Loudmouth must have been on it as well. He grabbed his laptop (still open and running) with one hand, nuzzled the cell phone between his jaw and shoulder, grabbed the glass of beer with his free hand that he had threaded through the handle of his wheeled cart and began to speed away. It was quite a juggling act. The bartender noticed it all and called after him. “You can’t take any drinks away from the bar,” he shouted. Mr. Loudmouth stopped in his tracks and gave the bartender a dirty look. He took a swig from the glass and hurriedly set it down on the bar. The other customers shook their heads and ordered a few more cans of beer. I could hear the bartender popping the tops as I left the area.

When I arrived at the gate I watched this goof head down the jet-way. He was still banging away at his keyboard and carrying on some loud conversation on his cell phone. Thank God he was not seated near me.

What kind of life does a character like that have? What an obnoxious boor! I thought about the other three guys back at the bar. I quickly decided who I’d rather be stranded with in an airport.

The division had been reorganized three or four times during the last ten years. Most of the employees were new or had been transferred in from other units. The latest iteration of the division occurred four years ago and, as usual, it was extremely top heavy with a plethora of vice presidents and their retinues but with very few employees to perform the actual tasks. Jim was part of that bevy of heavy artillery.

No one seemed to know where Jim had come from or how he came about his title and authority. Jim had been with the corporation for several years and had served in a variety of roles at various business units. How he found himself at this division seemed unclear. He never really appeared to do anything. Although his departmental staff seemed confused and dysfunctional, Jim never showed any leadership or gave any direction. It was as if all of Jim’s new subordinates were expected to just know about everything through osmosis or find things out on their own. Jim kept everything to himself. He had two extremely loyal assistants that he had brought along with him but they were a tightly knit group and didn’t seem to want to get involved or share information with the rest of the staff. The three appeared aloof and disconnected.

During the ensuing three years, Jim picked up the nickname of “the seagull”. This moniker, known to all at the middle and lower levels, had been bestowed upon Jim due to his penchant for flitting into meetings, “crapping” over everything and then flitting out. Everyone dreaded his intrusions into ad hoc sessions and conference calls. The pest would suddenly appear from nowhere, plop comfortably down and screech a few criticisms (usually while crunching on a mint or a handful of peanuts). I personally found that habit very rude and annoying.

He never had anything good to say and always seemed smug, critical and disgusted. One thing could always be counted upon; his mere presence was guaranteed to result in additional workload. Jim was one of those guys who must have believed that the value of an executive is measured by the amount of non-value added work that they create. Jim was the master of dreaming up detailed schedules of minutiae and analysis upon analysis of the analysis. But the results of all of this “make work” never seemed to go anywhere or prove anything. There was not enough staff to get the required work of the department completed on time, let alone comply with Jim’s whims but the seagull’s two loyalists continuously pestered the staff to conform to Jim’s demands and arbitrary timetables.

About a year ago, the CEO of the corporation announced another major shake-up and canned the division’s president as well as several vice presidents including Jim. We all got the memo and breathed a sigh of relief. Perhaps now we’d see some real leadership and get new direction (or maybe just direction). We anxiously waited for the next shoe to drop. There were plenty of good veteran middle managers around who could fill the void.

About a week after the memo, the newly appointed interim president of the division decided to hold a “going away party” for the departing executives. Punch and cookies would be served during an hour long gathering in the cafeteria on Friday. Although most of us didn’t even know what many of these characters even looked like, we decided to drop by for the free food. We also wanted to see how Jim would act. We stuck around for forty five minutes or so. There was quite a crowd with each now ex-vice president surrounded by their own cohorts. There was a lot of laughing and back slapping – but no seagull. Where was he? Had he already flown the coop? No. About five minutes later, my coworker spotted him standing near the doorway. Jim had already raided the candy tray and was popping nuggets into his beak from a fistful that he had grabbed. Someone finally approached him and they began a brief conversation that we could not overhear. All we could see was the usual smug expression on Jim’s face and his eyes rolling as he conversed with the employee. Then, as suddenly as he appeared, Jim rubbed his hands together to remove the crumbs and disappeared out the doorway.

Later that afternoon, my coworker grabbed me by the arm in the hall. “He’s not leaving!” he shrieked. “Who?” I asked. “The seagull!” He replied. My chum then told me that he had spoken with an employee named Bret from Engineering. Bret was the fellow we’d seen with Jim in the cafeteria. Bret had approached Jim to wish him luck but Jim simply ignored Bret’s well intentioned bon voyage and stated that he wasn’t going anywhere. “That’s impossible,” I said, “The guy got canned by the CEO himself. You read the memo.”

But it was true. On Monday morning, the bird was back in his roost. He seemed a bit subdued but it was evident that he was NOT cleaning out his nest. Over the next few months, the seagull returned to circling the department looking for a landing site and a place to poop – and more critical and negative than ever. Rumors flew about how he had simply “refused” to leave after being fired or had pleaded with corporate HQ to allow him to stay. We all knew of his perceived self-importance but I had never (and still have not to this day) seen anyone defy the public commands of a corporate CEO. Two month’s later, a memo from HQ reported that Jim’s title had changed and now included the prefix “acting”. However, all reporting relationships remained intact. What did this all mean?

A few more months passed and yet another memo from corporate headquarters revealed that a search was being conducted for a replacement for the position of vice president that Jim had originally held with the division. Jim was mentioned in the memo with a slightly different title that was no longer prefixed with “acting”. Again, all reporting relationships remained the same. The memo did indicate that he would soon be departing. There was no specific date mentioned.

It’s now been almost eight months since the last memo. I’ve left the corporation but still stay in touch with one of my co-workers. I called my friend the other day. He didn’t even wait for me to ask the question but just started making a squawking noise into the telephone. “He’s still there?” I asked in disbelief. “I thought geese were bad about crapping all over the place,” answered my friend, “Seagulls are worse and apparently they don’t migrate.”

“Never Volunteer!” Words of Wisdom from a real Veteran

Eddie Thompson came to my office last Thursday about 5PM. Eddie’s a manager in charge of small accounting group that seems to be getting smaller and smaller. He was really frazzled and upset. I believe that Eddie was more upset with himself than anything else. You see Eddie had committed the latest blunder in modern corporate America. He had “volunteered” and would now pay the price. Eddie had allowed the “powers” to get their foot in the crack of the door. Before Eddie even realized what had happened, the door had blown wide open. Eddie’s heart was in the right place. He just wanted to help out a fellow manager whose staff was cut. Eddie got sucked in by the pleas of his boss and now he was stuck. Eddie and his team would have to take on a myriad of additional tasks. Additional resources? None except one – their time. Eddie had to explain to his department that they now had to start coming in on weekends to get everything done. Of course Eddie and his team are conveniently exempt from overtime pay.

I’m seeing it more and more. Jonesy’s a sharp financial analyst. She volunteered to “help out” and just run some preliminary numbers for a new acquisition. The financial analyst who worked for the acquired company had just resigned. They told Jonesy that it was nothing special and just a broad-brush look at the bottom line, “It shouldn’t take that long and it’s just an overview. C’mon Jonesy! We know you’re busy but just this once.” So Jonesy put her other work on hold and ran some prelims. True to form, they didn’t like the results and demanded a “deep dive” into the details. A week later, Jonesy’s still plowing through the data. Of course she’s now being screamed at to deliver all of the other tasks she put on hold. So much for your scheduled week of vacation Jonesy. PS She bought the whole enchilada on this one. Since she’s now the “expert” with the data, all of the future reporting is hers as well. Just think of the savings here! There’s no longer a need to hire a replacement financial analyst for the acquired company.

Hey, I’ve caught myself doing it as well. You know “giving one for the team” and all that. I did it a lot more when I was younger and more idealistic. I still put in over 60 hours a week at the office. Old habits are hard to break. I’ll even help out when necessary but am very cautious now about getting the staff and myself in a jam (as well as keeping others’ feet out of the door jamb). We’re supposed to work to live and not live to work.

Volunteering and helping others in one’s private life is a great thing to do. There are too many altruistic values and motivations for such behavior to mention here. The rewards for such volunteering are personal and spiritual. When it comes to the workplace, however, those same altruistic values and motivations are oftentimes manipulated to prey on the goodness of people in order to obtain some other desired “outcome” for the corporation. I’ve written gobs about the psychological gimmicks, threats and guilt trips thrown at employees who come to work really wanting to do a good job. It’s always in that ever-changing definition of what constitutes a “good job” where the manipulation comes in to play. Aiding a fellow employee through a hard task or helping out a department in a pinch is also a great thing to do but it is NOT the same as adding hours to a workweek, foregoing vacation, or working on a holiday or weekend to meet some arbitrary deadline, please a superior or save on cost. There’s no personal or spiritual reward here.

When I was a young man, I remember my Dad giving me some good advice that I, of course, ignored at the time and for many years to come. His two-word admonition came when I had returned from my first ROTC field exercise and proudly began the tale of one my “exploits.” Dad’s words came out both sharp and stern. It was as if something I had said triggered an automatic response. I must have mentioned some magic word because he never even let me finish my story before snapping, “NEVER VOLUNTEER!” That was that. I never got to finish my story.

“Never volunteer!” How strange? Those words coming from a decorated WWII veteran. Dad was an Army platoon sergeant who had spent three years in combat overseas in North Africa, Sicily, Italy, France and Germany. It was not until many years later and after a lot of research that I realized how never volunteering was one of the main reasons he had survived the war at all. My Dad was very proud of his service. He also had the wisdom of harsh experience.

Now that I’m a lot older, I’ve gained that same type of wisdom myself. There are no medals awarded for valor in the lower levels of corporations and there is no glory. A “Make it Happen” certificate (suitable for framing) won’t compensate you for the loss of valuable time with your family or your health. There are only obscene bonuses and rewards for the corporate generals. Killing yourself for a company gets you only one reward – death.

I remember reading a survey a few years ago. The survey asked if people would be willing to “volunteer” to work an 80 hour workweek with no time off for three straight years if at the end of that period they would be guaranteed that the rest of their working lives would revert to a normal 40 hours per week schedule. If I recall the results of the survey, most respondants answered NO. I believe that these negative replies came from people like me. People who now know that there are no such guarantees and that once one commits to such a regimen, it never stops.

If this rant seems rather jaded, it’s meant to be. You’re visiting with The Corporate Cynic. I know that many young starry-eyed up-and-comers and corporate big shot wannabees will revile at this notion. So be it! You’ll learn.

At the end of my career, I want to be able to say the same thing that my Dad would say when asked about what he did during WWII, “I survived and served proudly.”

Chapter 11 Powerful Words for Powerful People

As executives, we must be familiar with the true meanings of words and how they might be used to reinforce our power over lowly subordinates. This chapter will serve as a refresher course on the use of two terms that we’re all familiar with: Excuses and Reasons. We hear and use these words all the time but it’s important to use them properly and at the appropriate time and place.

Let’s begin with some dictionary definitions and then parse out the key distinctions

Excuses: explanations offered to justify something and to explain (a fault or an offense) in the hope of being forgiven or understood

Reasons: underlying facts or causes that provide logical sense for a premise or occurrence

Please note the key words and phrases here: In the definition of excuses, we find the words fault, offense and…in the hope of being forgiven or understood… In the definition of reasons, you’ll note …provide logical sense… and occurrence

Get the drift here? Those that offer or are accused of making excuses are at fault. Those that offer reasons are just stating facts.

Reasons are reserved for the powerful. Reasons are logical, intelligent, well thought out – perhaps even brilliant – like us. There’s no need to ask for any forgiveness. Our explanations are FACTUAL. On the other hand, those that offer or are accused of making excuses are doing so out of guilt. They know they’ve done WRONG. They should be begging for forgiveness.

Excuses connote failure. Holding the accountability for failure over the heads of your subordinates is a sure fire way to keep them in line. Their guilt will provoke them to work even harder. Your power to forgive (to be used only to keep certain individuals in your hip pocket) will validate your authority and superiority. Their squirming may even provide you with some well deserved entertainment.

It’s your role to offer reasons for failures or non-conformances. Again, reasons are FACTS. Reasons are explanations about events totally out of your control and tantamount to acts of God. You cannot be held accountable for these occurrences. There’s no guilt to be had.

It’s all so simple and it’s all about power.

Let’s practice some applications of the words excuse or excuses when dealing with subordinates:

You: “Why is production falling again?”
Them: “The equipment keeps breaking down. Because of all of the cost reductions and cutbacks, we’re holding it together with Band-Aids.”
You: “I’m tired of your excuses! You were told to increase production!”
Them: “Sorry, we’ll try harder.”

Or

You: “The financials are late. What’s your excuse this time?”
Them: “They compressed the reporting calendar again and increased the data requirements. We just don’t have the staff to support this.”
You: “That’s no excuse. You’re supposed to make it happen.”
Them: “Sorry, we’ll try harder.”

Fun Eh?

Now let’s practice the use of the words reason and reasons with your peers and superiors:

You: “Exogenous variables in the current market segment are the predominant reasons prohibiting us from increasing sales.”

Or

You: “The reason is simple. Had the macroeconomic climate been more amenable to our strategy, we certainly would have met our metrics.”

Best yet

You: “The reason for our lack of success is the pervasive culture of excuses within the lower levels of our organization. We’re aggressively and continuously assessing our workforce.

You’ll note that we’ve eliminated the need to detail the reaction from “Them” here. These reasons speak for themselves and will dazzle anyone. Notice there is a never is a need to be sorry or apologize. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

So there you have it. Now go forth and use these words that work for you. No excuses!

When I wrote the book 160 degrees of Deviation: The Case for the Corporate Cynic, a reviewer quipped that although well-written, the book read like a revenge opera. While that wasn’t my original intent, perhaps there was a bit of that going on – at least subliminally. Having been on the receiving end of insults, brow beatings and unreasonable expectations at the hands of a variety of Bozo’s in “leadership” roles over the years, I admit to taking particular delight in watching their downfalls. I just don’t have much of an appetite for bad leaders and I don’t think that others do either. Is it so wrong to revel in the misery of those who have caused so much?

I recently had the opportunity of speaking with a colleague who had been suffering under the boot of such a tyrant for the last three years. My amigo is a good solid individual who tried time and again to escape from the clutches of this blackguard. It would take several posts to fully relate the horror stories told to me. There was nothing illegal or even immoral going on but the boss’s arrogant, abusive and maniacal behaviors were so bad that my friend’s and his co-workers’ family lives began to suffer due to the torture. These are highly educated and experienced professionals. They work for a very large corporation and transfers are quite common provided that the appropriate approval comes from one’s superior. In this case, my friend had been blacklisted by this thug for not helping him gain favor with his superiors.

Then a strange thing happened. Through some stroke of luck or the overwhelming evidence of the insidious behaviors of the executive in question, the corporation decided to quietly and graciously, but nonetheless forcefully, demote the transgressor. There was a huge administrative reorganization and my friend suddenly found himself in a peer position with his abuser. The new leadership role had not yet been announced. My colleague called me to breathe a sigh of relief and celebrate the release from the clutches of this maniac.

I asked my friend how he felt about the new relationship with his former boss. I also asked about the odds that he might get the nod and become his nemesis’ superior. Surprisingly, my chum responding that it was a real possibility. Exploring the opportunity even further, I asked about his plans for dealing with the malefactor should that occur. Being a stand up individual, my chum confided that he would be torn between exacting revenge and being magnanimous toward his former torturer. He had fantasized for years about what he’d do if he found himself in that position but now it seemed mean spirited and vengeful. His better side was taking control. He didn’t want to be like his old boss. “Do you think he ever cared about you, your feelings, health or family?” I asked as we ended the conversation. He did not answer. “Just think about it,” I said, “If the shoe finds its way to the other foot, go kick some ass!”

I’ve decided to reprise a post from last summer that was catagorized under The “Double Secret” Handbook. Let’s see what some of your “leaders” might have in mind for you this summer.

Summertime Reading from the “Double Secret” Handbook for bad Executives
August 3, 2007

The security guard found a stack of travel brochures in the executive parking lot. He was shocked when he found this chapter of the handbook in the pile. He immediately turned it over to me for review. I swore him to secrecy.

Chapter 2 Ration that Pesky Vacation

Just when you thought that there were no more ways to squeeze that last of drop blood out of your staff, we’ve contrived a fiendishly clever method to achieve just that. The best part of it all is that you can point to company policies as being the villain here. It’s the best of all worlds.

What policies could be so useful to an executive who needs to impress their superiors with cost controls, instantaneous responses to their insatiable need for information, adherence to ever-changing deadlines and a high level of uninterrupted productivity? Why the vacation policies! It’s the Human Resources department’s fault that you’re strapped with having to deal with the cost and nuisance of staff being away from work on “vacation.” Employees are paid to work and not to be absent for such a non-value added activity. HR is the group that determined your staff members were due this silliness as a company benefit. They also came up with a variety of rules and policies regarding vacations. So whatever you have to do to manipulate those policies to get the results you want is really HR’s problem and not yours.

It’s an expensive proposition to keep additional staff to cover for those who are away on these boondoggles. You need to trim your budget to score points with the top brass. What about all those emergency requests, revised deadlines and meetings that arise constantly and out of the blue? You can’t disappoint your superiors by telling them that John or Betty is on vacation and the report or meeting will have to be delayed or postponed. You certainly can’t be expected to cover those contingencies yourself. You’re an executive after all and you wouldn’t even know how to get the actual work done to do it anyway. So let’s get down to the business of administering those vacation policies – the way you decide to interpret them anyway.

We all know that that the more tenured the employee, the more vacation time they are entitled to. It makes sense to rid your staff of all of the old-timers that have amassed a high level of vacation eligibility and replace them with new hires. Who cares about experience and knowledge. The veterans don’t need to impress anyone. You do.

So what if employees are told in offer letters, new hire orientations, or handbooks that they are eligible for paid vacations. We’ll bet that there’s a policy indicating that paid time off must be scheduled around the company and/or department’s requirements. Find that policy and keep it handy.

Since you’re in charge of your department, you’ll decide those requirements. They are quite simple actually: When you’re in the office, the staff needs to be there to support you. When you’re not in the office, they need to be there to cover for you.

Start with the managers and staff employees that report directly to you. These folks are always malleable enough to be convinced that scheduling their own vacations is a big no-no. They must be both openly and tacitly discouraged from doing so. These employees always feel a certain loyalty and responsibility to the company. They enjoy feeling needed and indispensable. They’d like to identify themselves with the executive team and many believe that by constantly giving their all, they’ll reap some reward down the road. They also fear for their positions. They have families to feed and mortgages to pay. This loyalty and fear needs to be exploited. They must be made to feel as though the company can’t do without them for even a week here or a week there – and certainly not for two weeks in a row. Use your powers of persuasion to discourage any thoughts of even trying to string two or three vacation days together. They must be subtly pressured and cajoled into believing that the company’s needs outweigh their own. Remember, if there is a “use it or lose it” vacation policy, once the magic anniversary date rolls around, they’ll lose any of that time they had coming. There will be no massive vacation accrual to deal with next year. If anyone gripes, feign some concern and then simply forget about it.

If they must be out for a day, be sure to jot it down so that your response to their next request might go something like, “Another vacation day? It seems like you were just off. How many vacation days have you taken already? I’ll have to think about that. Are you sure you really need to take off? We have blah, blah, coming up. Will you be ready? We really depend on you. OK (sigh), if you must.” It’s a guilt trip/ego boost/power play combo that puts the onus on them to consider all of those feelings about themselves, their responsibilities and their paychecks. They’re probably good, honest and caring people. We’ll bet you get the results you’re looking for out of 99% of them.

We all know what your thinking. What if your company is in one of those states that mandates employees be allowed to carryover or even (gulp!) be paid for accrued and unused vacation days? What if your company has such a policy even though not mandated by law? No Problem. Just fall back on the policy that allows you to schedule their vacations around the department’s requirements.

Start forcing you direct reports to take individual vacation days (or even “vacation hours”) when it suits your needs. If you know that tomorrow will be a day without any pressing requests, command them to take the day off as a vacation day. In fact, right after the next scheduled morning meeting might be a great time to order some staff out for the rest of the day as a half-day of vacation. Always make it sound like it’s a reward and your doing them a big favor. So what if it’s a Tuesday or Thursday afternoon. Work it right and you can eat up all of their vacation time without even a hiccup in productivity. If anyone carps about it, point to the policies and remind them that they work in a “fast paced environment” with “ever changing priorities.” No one will be able to say that they weren’t given the opportunity to use all of their vacation time. These are company policies. Your hands are tied.

Most importantly – always ensure that any task or work not performed while the lollygaggers are away is made up after hours or on weekends. Your direct reports are exempt from overtime. It won’t be a ding to your budget and they’ll learn the lesson of being away from work during the week.

In time, you’ll see a trickle down effect as managers who report to you begin to believe that what you’ve instigated is what the company wants. They will follow your lead. If not out of loyalty, they’ll do it to make everyone else suffer. Morale Schmorale! You won’t be around for more than another year or two anyway. Let someone else pick up the pieces after you’ve moved on.

Keep in mind that you’ve done everyone a favor here. You’ve kept costs down and productivity up. If your company has a policy of holding over or paying employees for lost vacation time, you’ve saved even more cost and administrative time and effort. The employees will have no vacation time to “lose” because of your efforts to ensure that all of it has been “used.” You’ve saved your staff the expense of hotels, gas, theme park tickets, airfares etc. They should actually thank you. But that’s OK. You can deal with their ingratitude.

That was a lot of work but well worth it. We see that you must attend the annual budget meeting in Orlando, FL this August. Hmmm, your kids will still be out of school and you need a well deserved rest after all of this executive decision-making. The stress and pressure of having to deal with all of these policies and rules is taking a toll on your psyche. Why not tack on some extra time in Orlando? Maybe a week or even two. Grab the frau and the kiddies and head on down. Hell, the company is picking up part of the tab anyway. Your department will be covered. You need a break.

Corporations are now developing “Values Statements”. I guess that the old “Mission Statements” (fad from the ‘80’s & ‘90’s) are now passé. These “Values Statements” sure sound real high-fallutin’ all right. They’re chock full of emotionally charged trigger words like “Honor”, “Resilience”, “Ingenuity” and “Courage”. The one statement that I’ve seen so far is as impressive looking as the Ten Commandments or the Bill of Rights.

I remember years ago when companies started to hire real live evangelists and charismatic preachers to stir up the lower level management and rank and file employees with near religious zeal about their firms. In hindsight, I believe that it was probably more of an Elmer Gantry-esque response to the Japanese style of management that had become very popular yet was seen as a threat by many American businessmen. The corporate elites loved the loyalty, teamwork, camaraderie and “all for one” spirit of that culture – but didn’t like the team drinking, carousing and the costs of cradle-to-grave employment that came along with it. Couldn’t more of employees’ energies be channeled into generating profits rather than hangovers and pension liabilities? Why not use the religious angle? It seemed to be working on TV at the time. Anyone watching the mesmerized followers of the televangelists had to be amazed and impressed. Although that fad came and went, the proponents of psychological gimmickry live on in the corporate suites.

So let’s see just how these new “Corporate Values” are being developed and what they actually mean. If you’ve read any of my past treatises, you know that corporations are always looking for the elusive employee “Buy-in”. Nowadays, there seems to be an overriding need for the corporate elites to convince themselves that they have convinced employees to not only share their values but also take “ownership” of them. Of course, the rewards for taking ownership are never the same. The stock options, perks, bonuses and golden parachutes are reserved for the upper echelon. The rest get to keep to their jobs but are expected to “feel” as passionate about the business as their superiors do – and work even harder. What better way to obtain this “buy-in” than to have the employees themselves develop these values? (But not without the appropriate level of supervision from above)

The process seems to go like this: Teams of employees are assembled under the guidance of a corporate “minder”. Each “value” is trotted out to the team for roundtable discussions and definition. Here’s where the “spin” takes place. This is where the common societal definition of a “value” is cleverly nuanced into having a slightly different meaning to fit the needs of the corporate culture. It’s groupthink at its best, lead by a well indoctrinated facilitator. When the reeducation camp is disbanded, the new definition of the “value” is published with all of the fanfare of a revolution. That’s right! The employees have defined the “values” and will now support them to the death. Off with the heads of any nonbelievers!

So my friend and I went over the new definition of “courage” as determined by one of these groups in his company. We all value courage and I suppose we all have a slightly different perception of what it is and what it means. In the context of my chum’s organization, “courage” is defined as the ability to accept and support decisions that one may disagree with. Hmmm. I never would have guessed that. I would have thought that was a better definition of “acquiescence to authority”. Oh well, I guess it makes one “feel” better to think of oneself as “courageous” rather than “acquiescent”.

Start the revolution without me.