The “Double Secret” Handbook for bad Executives nears Completion

Every story needs a beginning. If you smell a new book coming on, you’re right! Ever since I began writing the various chapters of The “Double Secret” Handbook for bad Executives last year, I’ve had that in mind. Of course, there’s several more chapters tucked away as well as the ending and self-test. I just thought that I’d share Chapter 1 with the readers. This has been a work in progress. Believe me, there’s no end to the material that’s available.

Chapter 1 Welcome to the Society for bad Executives

Well you’ve finally made it! Whether you’ve slimed, backstabbed, double-crossed, kissed-up (or just got the call from your old pal Chad or Biff), you have arrived. You are now an executive. Feels good, doesn’t it? You are now smarter, sharper and indeed a better human being than those that you’ve left in the dust. You must be! You got the job and they didn’t.

So what’s the first thing on your agenda besides ordering $50,000 of new office furniture or taking two or three lavish but useless business trips? Why, keeping, consolidating and increasing your power! To accomplish that you may need some support and we’re here to help. We’re the Society for bad Executives. We’re an elite and clandestine organization known only to those chosen few. There are no dues, meetings, secret handshakes or subscriptions. The only requirement is secrecy and strict adherence to the standards we’ve developed through many years for wreaking havoc on organizations and the workers who are employed there. Our organization is so top secret that our members do not ever get to see the roster or formally meet each other. It only makes sense. You may have to turn on another member someday. That’s too bad for them. It’s a dog eat dog world. You’re in it for yourself and only the best of the worst survive.
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The main benefit of your membership is your personalized copy of The “Double Secret” Handbook for bad Executives. This tome contains chapter upon chapter of tips and tricks to maximize your hold on authority, manipulate your subordinates, suck up to your superiors and never (we repeat never) be held accountable for anything that goes wrong. It’s a must read for every executive. These are tried and true strategies and tactics that we’ve compiled from members over the years.

You’re probably wondering why we’re being so generous here. The answer is quite simple. We must perpetuate the executive’s image of power and omniscience. Power is what it’s all about after all. The power to dominate, manipulate, threaten, subvert and evade must be maintained and cultivated. The ability to speak with authority on all subjects, make snap decisions, shoot from the hip and never be wrong must be honed to a fine edge. You have a lot to live up to. The rest of us are counting on you.

How do we know that you can be trusted to adhere to our policies and never disclose your membership or share any contents of the handbook with outsiders? We don’t! If you had one shred of ethics, we would never have approached you in the first place. In the Society for bad Executives, our rule is quite simple: Transgress, and the full might of the society will be turned against you. Consider for a moment being demoted to the loading dock or a cubicle with absolutely no golden parachute or perhaps being publicly humiliated in front of your superiors or upstaged by (perish the thought) a subordinate. It can all be arranged. We knew you’d see it our way!

So let’s get started! Whether you’re the arrogant pompous strutting ass, the frenetic slick backed hair mile-a-minute talker or the quiet conniving little weasel, there’s a place for you in the Society for bad Executives. Go forth and make some pronouncements. Savor the taste of authority. Make them jump. It’s fun to be important.

Make us proud. We’ll be watching!

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4 Responses to “The “Double Secret” Handbook for bad Executives nears Completion”

  1. Subordinate Says:

    Sir, with all due respect, this reads more like an Introduction than a first chapter. A good, funny and sharp Introduction, but not a first chapter.

  2. thecorporatecynic Says:

    An honest critique is always appreciated. I will keep your comments in mind.

    Cheers

  3. David Says:

    I’d like to see a chapter/post on corporate training. I don’t think I can stand another learning opportunity with the kindergarten toys, silly putty, and telling everybody one personal item about myself.

    The worst are the ones that include personality testing. I don’t want my personality tested any more!!!!

  4. thecorporatecynic Says:

    Thanks Dave,

    I’ve been a bit remiss lately in keeping up with new posts. I have a lot going on these days.

    But never fear. Check out my “latest post” category – “A Phd. Worth her weight in Platinum.”

    Keep coming back my friend and check out all of the other archived stories.

    Cheers!

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